Dear Blogosphere:

I’m in the blogger hole by $75. This is what securing my own domain name along with several how-to books to help me navigate you, the blogosphere, has set me back. While I didn’t get into blogging to become rich, when I read chapter 20 in “Blogging For Dummies” my interest was piqued. “Making Mad Mad Money” opens with: “Many bloggers turn a pretty penny, and some even earn a living from advertising.” Earn a living? Pretty penny? Make mad mad money? Count me in!

So far I’ve made bupkis.

Sure, sure, I’ve only been doing this for three months and I need to be patient and actually monetize my blog but the point is, I’m not rich yet. So, in the spirit of the gig economy, I’ve taken careful and deliberate stock of my skill set and I’m prepared to take on additional work to offset my expenses while I await my blogging windfall. Please consider hiring me and be so kind as to tell your friends I’m available if they need help with the following:

Puppy Cuddler. Do you have puppies that need to be socialized and don’t have time to do it? Leave it to me! Fun-filled frolicking? Check. Lots and lots of cuddles? Check. For an extra fee, I’ll keep the house training going relatively speaking (not responsible for accidents). Count on me to take tons of pictures/videos of your puppies (that may appear in my blog), talk ad nauseam in high-pitched gibberish and over-staying my welcome. Better yet, drop them off at my house.

Feedback Provider. I am particularly skilled in this field with 18 years experience as an unabashedly opinionated parent along with over 47 years of having an opinion (I was a very opinionated baby). I am uniquely qualified to give feedback on just about anything, even topics I have no clue about (I’ll just make something up but will be surprisingly convincing.) My feedback qualifications run the gamut of, “Do I have too much junk in my yard?”; “Are my fresh-out-of-the-oven chocolate chip cookies yummy enough?” to “What are your thoughts on a neck tattoo?” or “Does this t-shirt I cut into a tank top look stupid?”* After a while, you’ll begin to wonder how you ever survived without me. Will work remotely.

Chill Partner. Don’t want to relax solo? I’m your gal. Let’s kick our feet up and unwind together! Are you a reader? I’ll bring my book. Want to talk? I can chat it up with the best of them. Need quiet? I’ll be silent as a mouse. You supply the comfy seating, unlimited beverages (no iced-tea please), snacks (prefer a variety of sweet and salty options), bug-free location and I’ll be there! Reliable WiFi a bonus but not required. And finally…

Procrastination Enabler. Whoever said, “Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?” was speaking my language. No need to expend vital mental energy on contrived excuses for your task avoidance. No judgment or accountability here! So let’s blow off your to-do list together and chill! (See above.) I have extensive, real-world procrastination experience and can regale you with numerous examples of shameless slacking from my college days but let’s save that for later.

Hourly rates negotiable. Bundle discounts available. References from my husband, kids and dog available upon request. Cannot guarantee authenticity of references. No weirdos. Only serious inquiries will be considered.

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Tonya

P.S. I can’t wait to meet your puppies!

*The answers to these questions are: if you have to ask – assume yes; let me try another one just to be sure; want to retire from Chipotle?; as long as you make the arm holes bigger and promise never to wear it out of the house…gun show baby! All of this valuable feedback? Free of charge! (Today only.)