“Are you okay with Dr. Smith?” the friendly nurse inquired as we sat in her tiny office, reviewing the pre-procedure instructions.
“Do I have a choice?” I responded, perplexed.
“The reason I ask is that if the doctor performing your colonoscopy is your neighbor, you probably don’t want him doing it,” she replied as if this is a frequent occurrence.
I considered my neighbors and said, “I assure you, he’s not my neighbor.” Awkward driveway encounter averted.
The nurse demonstrated the process of properly consuming the prescribed preparation drink (Surprep) pretending to pour it into the cup and then adding imaginary water. I nodded as the reality of my 52 years on earth hit me. I was old enough for a colonoscopy. Didn’t I just turn 22? What happened to thirty years?
Colonoscopy veterans are sure to possess two things: 1. An opinion about the taste of the Surprep (everyone hates it) and, 2. Tips on how to prepare. A friend encouraged me to bring plenty of crossword puzzles into the bathroom and to “eat light” the day before prep. All good advice. You’d think I would have followed it.
Day Before Prep:
Knowing I’d be following an all-liquid diet on prep day and knowing I don’t cope well with hunger, I reasoned it would be a good idea to eat a lot the day before to stave off the inevitable hunger pangs. Eat a lot I did and as if that wasn’t bad enough, the night before colonoscopy prep I chowed down on chips and salsa at 9:30 p.m. How’s that for eating light?
Prep-Day Liquid Diet:
My day began with black coffee and continued with ginger ale, chicken broth, and water on repeat. I quickly exhausted my supply and had to buy more. It should be noted, that in a fleeting moment of sanity, I purchased baby wipes with aloe. Thank God for self-checkout lines and sunglasses because those purchases screamed “MY COLONOSCOPY IS TOMORROW!” to anyone over 50.
Surprep surprise:
You know that scene in the movie “High Noon” when Gary Cooper’s character is waiting for the bad guys to arrive on the noon train for the dramatic showdown and the clock is ticking as the music builds to an intense crescendo as he’s writing his last will and testament? https://youtu.be/mOuvcMkaXUU That was me, splayed on the couch, staring at the clock – waterlogged, bloated, not at all hungry, and not nearly as cool.
Finally, 4:30 p.m. arrived and while no train whistle blew, it was high time for me to do battle with the Surprep which, you’ll be interested to know, cost $70. Leave it to insurance to pile on irony.
My “Tips for drinking Surprep” YouTube search yielded a guy who was drinking it for the first time. According to him it “wasn’t that bad,” after he mixed in copious amounts of ginger ale and lemonade crystals. I too added ginger ale and he was right, it wasn’t that bad, initially. However, with each sip, the taste grew worse. The best I can describe it is salt water diluted cough medicine with Juicy Fruit gum notes. Delish.
I could hear the friendly nurses’ words: “NO CHUGGING!” echoing in my mind as I fought the urge to chug to get it over with. According to the directions, you’re supposed to drink it for 1-2 hours. I managed to string it out over 30 minutes and not a minute longer. After choking that down, I chugged the 32 prescribed ounces of water, turned on the movie “Heat,” settled onto the couch, and waited.
I lay there watching Val Kilmer and Al Pacino gunfight it out in the streets of L.A., wondering how I’d know when the Surprep started working. Then, over the gunfire, I heard the most guttural, other-worldly reverberation come from my bowels. https://youtu.be/GDElEpdJcn0
It was on.
While contemplating a four-letter word for “Big name in peppermint patties,” I decided to maintain a sense of humor while prepping for my colonoscopy because the process is farcical. It literally feels as though your bowels have been liquified. You know the scene in “Dumb and Dumber” when Harry has to urgently use the bathroom because Lloyd poured an entire bottle of Turbo Lax into his drink in an act of revenge? https://youtu.be/kK-2E4MTc3Y This comical scenario continued for hours and just when I thought it was over, it was time for another dose of Surprep, 32 ounces of water, and the process to start all over again well into the early morning hours. (And to think I was worried I’d sleep through my alarm.) By the time the actual colonoscopy began at 6:00 a.m., I was so exhausted I welcomed sedation more than Joey Ramone. https://youtu.be/bm51ihfi1p4
My colonoscopy tips:
1. Eat only white rice, white bread, or plain baked chicken at least two days before prep day. No chips and salsa for goodness sake.
2. Stock up on aloe baby wipes. You’re welcome.
3. Add lots of ginger ale and lemonade crystals to the Surprep and drink water like crazy. Then drink more.
4. Enjoy pancakes as a post-colonoscopy meal. They taste uncommonly delicious. Add bacon as a reward for your hard work.
5. Keep a sense of humor about it all and don’t allow an embarrassing process to prevent you from a procedure that could save your life. You’ll have no memory of it (the colonoscopy – you’ll never forget the prep). And besides, just think of the stories you can swap with your fellow colonoscopy veterans at parties!
I’m happy to report that I am colon cancer-free and not due for another colonoscopy for five years. I also have another happy test result from my colonoscopy day: at 52 years old, I’m not pregnant. Whew! I can only think of one thing worse: my neighbor is Dr. Smith.
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